Sideways Thinking
by Harligh Quinn
Summary: Sometimes it's all he can do to feel the way that he does. Sometimes it's just enough to make him never want anything more.J/H


Sideways Thinking

* * *

**Summary: **Sometimes it's all he can do to feel the way that he does. Sometimes it's just enough to make him (never) want (anything) more.

_You know it ain't easy; these thoughts you leave me_

-**Citizen Cope "Sideways"**

In the dead of night, he was lays in bed; his heart racing and eyes screwed shut. Tiny explosions erupted from behind his lids and liquid fire ran through his veins as his hand tensed, then moved stiffly down to rest in the short chocolate brown locks of the girl whose head bobbed in his lap.

He let out a soft grunt upon contact with her coiffed tresses.

It's barely audible. He briefly wondered if she knew just how crazy she made him feel. How his pulse raced every single time she touched him. The way his heart skipped a beat anytime she looked at him. Throwing his free arm across his eyes and tightening his grasp with his occupied hand, he seriously doubted it; but then again, he knew how calculating she could be sometimes. '_Oftentimes really_,' he thinks to himself; like the times when she would deliberately push him to the brink of ecstasy just before...

"_Hamilton?"_

She lifted her mouth off of him with a soft *smack* and a pop. Involuntarily he lets out another grunt, slightly louder this time. She laughed softly in response, but only for a moment before she stopped and sat up. Embarrassed, he leaned back on his elbows to look down at her while she slowly moved up his body. Softly, she nuzzled his cheek with her mouth before kissing his earlobe and leaning down to whisper in his ear.

"_You're going to wake up your parents."_

At the thought, he thinks he might have been having a coronary. Looking up into her playful green eyes, he feels his chest seize up because he knows that however calculating she may or may not be, he would do anything, absolutely _anything _to get her to go back to what she was doing.

And she knows it.

"_Sorry."_

Ironically, it's all he can think to say. Smiling softly, she pulled up the bed sheets and embraces him fully; reminding him that she is just as topless as he is. Meanwhile inside his chest, his heart still races; thumping like a dull, heavy drum and still lower down his erection -inexorably- rests between them.

"_No. You're not."_

A fact neither of them were ignorant of, _apparently. _

Her reply is meant to be playful, but somehow the comment was sobering. Sobering, _firstly_, because he realized that she realized that he was actively lying half-naked in bed with his girlfriend ready to go; and _secondly_ (if not **more** importantly) because he knows it isn't going to happen_._ And if that wasn't bad enough she was now snuggling closer to him while letting her hand teasingly drift down to his hip bone.

Staring wide-eyed toward the ceiling, thoughts raced through his mind, all-the-while well-manicured fingertips gently rolled over his abdomen.

Furring his brows, he reconciled that if there was anything to be sorry for, it would be that he couldn't really do what he wanted. Not without his parents hearing, not without the risk of losing her, not without knowing she wanted it as badly as he did; and _this, _unfortunately, brings him back to the realization of how calculating she really was.

**She never let them get this far in her room.**

The only time she would let him get anywhere was in his bedroom, late at night, with his parents sleeping two doors down. He asked her about it once, one night when she had snuck into his room through his bedroom window; they were lying on his bed after a heated make out session. She gave him a curious glance, but answered the question with a shrug and a hand job.

It was a first time for them.

At the time, he had let her distraction get to him and he ended up forgetting the question. But after sometime, he began to notice the pattern of avoidance and distraction whenever the conversation came up. He kept waiting for her to say something about it, but it seemed she was perfectly happy with the current arrangement and he wasn't sure what he felt other than a complete lack of control.

A feeling which, unfortunately, brought him back to his current situation. After taking a moment to calm his raging hormones, he called out to her.

"_Jacqueline?" _He said her name like he was whispering a secret. In many ways, he was.

"_Hmm?" _Her warm breath tickled his neck and sent little shivers down his spine.

"_What…what are we doing?"_

At the question, she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.

"_Huh?"_

"_Right now, in this room, lying on this bed…"_

He looked around the room and gathered his thoughts before allowing his eyes to settle back on her.

"_What are we _doing_?"_

For once, she looked as confused as he felt and the idea filled him with a slight sense of vindication as he stared up at her expectantly. After a few moments, she gently laid her head back on his shoulder.

"_We're sleeping together, __duh__."_

At this particular statement, Hamilton didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. He knew that she was trying to be playful and coy; she doesn't really mean... s_he'd told him she wasn't ready_. And he was okay with that. Honestly, he was.

Except now, she kept showing up in his bedroom and doing things like _this _to him and as sweet and amazing as she always says he is, really, there was only_ so much_ teasing a sixteen year old boy could take.

Honestly.

Sighing quietly, Hamilton worked to gently disengaging himself from her arms before sitting up. Meanwhile, Jake was smiling and had moved to lay back; arms unabashedly folded behind her head, all while still topless, playful, perfect... His face flushed with heat as he looked down at her. Words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"_I think maybe it would be a good idea if you slept in your own room tonight."_

Judging by the look on her face, she wasn't expecting that. To be honest, neither was he.

She sat up, and the whole _still-topless-thing _momentarily trumps his surprise, but she replies before he could begin to feel embarrassed.

_"Is there something wrong?"_

Incredulously expression on his face, he turned to observe her. _'Is there something wrong? Is there something _wrong_?' _For a minute he thought he actually might cry, but instead he managed to constrain himself as he grabbed the spare blanket on his bed and wrapped it around himself.

"_I just think it would be good if we both got a good night's sleep... In our own beds."_

He instantly regretted the words as soon as they echoed in his ears, and apparently she did too judging by the way she reeled back from him and looked toward the floor. The silence was deafening.

"_Oh, ok."_

He hated that her voice sounded so small. He wanted to tell her so, but she was already getting up and looking for her clothes.

"_I promise I'll be over first thing in the morning."_

This time, all he gets is a small nod of her head as she slowly moved to get dressed. His entire being remained a perfect tempest of hormones, emotion, and confusion. Yet, as frustrated as he felt, one thing remained clearer than day. Rising off of the bed, he walked over to where she stood and whispered to her.

"_I love you, Jacqueline."_

Halting her mission to get dressed, Jake turned to look at him. She watched him, scrutinizing him as if she was analyzing the validity of what he just said before she smiled wisftully.

"_I love you too, Ham."_

And he knew it was the truth.

They embraced for a few minutes before Jake moved to his window and straddled it. Remorsefully, he watched her as she got ready to leave when she suddenly stopped and turned back to look at him. Her brows were knitted together as if she was concentrating hard on something.

"_I know I don't always make things easy for you and that being with me... brings on its own unique set of circumstances."_

He started to open his mouth to say something, but she continued on before he could get a word out.

"_But being here..._ _"_

She paused and glanced around the darkened room.

" _In this space with you makes me feel a little more normal. It's like... for the little time that I'm here, I'm just like any other teenage girl who's sneaking out to see her boyfriend."_

She looked back at him. Any frustration that he felt minutes ago faded away with her heartfelt confession. He felt his heart squeeze at the thought of how much he loved this girl.

"_I'm sorry I don't always explain that." _

She finished, before turning and leaving out of the window; She's gone before he even has the opportunity to respond let alone kiss her the way she deserves at that very moment.

Just like that, the frustration he was feeling before had flared back up full force. Flopping himself back down on his bed, he sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He could still smell her on his pillows and parts of his body still tingled where she had last touched them.

In this state, he knew sleep was a long time coming (if at all).

Despite this, he couldn't help but smile and think about just how calculating she really was; and how much he loved her for it.


End file.
